It doesn’t fit neatly into categories or binaries, but instead, transcends them. The thing that makes bisexuality great is also what makes it kinda tragic: Bisexuality is subversive and hard to pin down, which means it’s sometimes hard to actually see. (It is endearing how we never shut up about being bisexual!) But behind our constant need for affirmation is a a feeling of invisibility, and a fear that if we don’t consistently keep “coming out,” a portion of our identity will be lost to assumptions rooted in heteronormativity. We’re constantly the targets of bullying from both members and non-members of the LGBTQ+ community. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.Bisexuals are the punching bags of the gay internet. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.Ĭomments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer.
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She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don’t send attachments). Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. But there are people out there who can manage long-term triangular relationships – in fact, some actively seek triads. You seem to be concerned about your future, and consider monogamy a goal, with one person of one gender. There can be reasons for feeling safer with one gender v another, so exploring your childhood feelings about maternal v paternal connections may give you some helpful information (limited, though, since fathers and mothers do not necessarily provide traditional gender-based care). And you will discover that in a longer-term monogamous relationship (if you want that at any point) it is the particular person and how he or she makes you feel when you are together that is important – not their gender. You accept that you are bisexual, so you can fairly comfortably decide to have relationships with people of either or both genders. But you do not have to make a choice – not now and not ever. When people are grappling with such questions, what they are really comparing is not so much the qualitatively different sexual experiences, but rather who they experience themselves to be in the context of their relationships with people of different genders.
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I’m worried that if I end up with a woman, I’ll always have something missing from my sex life, but that I am not attracted to men enough to have a satisfying monogamous relationship with a man. As a result, I treat the men I’m with like sex objects. I don’t enjoy cuddling with men or kissing like I do with women. I think the wider problem may be that I don’t find men as attractive as women.
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In some ways, this is fine, but I’m worried that the men I sleep with think I’m not enjoying it, or don’t know whether I am or not. However, when I am physically intimate with a man I find it difficult, if not impossible, to maintain an erection.
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I greatly enjoy sex with women, but the thought of it doesn’t turn me on as much as the thought of receiving anal sex from a man.